walking

i walked away from biology class in 2004 with my head hung low, tears sneaking out of the corner of my eyes despite my best attempt to stop them. i walked away, grieving and disconnected, addicted and desperate- and i never thought i would look back...

this past Septermber of 2011, i got out of my car, slung my backpack over my shoulder, and walked with trepidation and uncertainty to my first class in 7 years. its on the same campus, the same parking lot, the same library but so much has happened between walking away and making my way back...

incapable of processing assignments and exams, i sat with my notebook in front of me, but nothing to write. all i could think about and all i could see were caskets being lowered into the ground, family crying and family screaming, and my own reckless drug use. on more than one occasion, i ransacked my own closet for textbooks from previous semesters. attending class was a bargain i made with myself: "make it to class, and afterwards you can sell your books at the off-campus book shop." from class, to the book store, to the crack house.

i quickly ran out of textbooks and motivation, and dropped my classes simply by discontinuing my attendance. i drowned for almost 2 years in a white-out storm of drugs, lies, and a progressive violation of my morals and values. the "nevers" and "what ifs?" started coming true as my world collapsed around me.

...as i stepped down from the large passenger van that had picked me up from the airport in South Florida, a dozen heads turned my way. males and females, young and old stood around tall ashtrays with cigarettes between their fingers or hanging from their lips. there were folders and notebooks scattered on the picnic table tops.

as the driver retrieved my large bags from the back of the van, a middle aged man with a pen behind one of his ears approached, hand outstretched. i took his hand, which he shook vigorously.

"nice handshake" he said. "you know what they say about a nice, strong handshake, right? it means you are confident and a leader!"

i probably would have laughed if i had the energy. i couldnt think of two things i felt less like than "confident" or "a leader". i was lost, alone, uncertain, and afraid. i didnt know where i was, both literally and in my life.

cleaning my life up and trying to find some semblance of drive and desire took far longer than the 3 months i spent in inpatient drug treatment. off of drugs, i felt true shame and guilt for the first time. the pain i caused my family and the roadblocks i put up in the way of my own happiness weighed on my consciousness for the first time.

i was drug free, but i was miserable. i was clinically and dangerously depressed, engaging in self injurious behavior in the face of critical anxiety and pain. i was drug free, but i was still so incredibly sick...

finding a brighter reality seemed like an impossibility. the thought of finding love and work and true friendship was laughable for so long. i still shook my head at the time i had wasted in college, and i wanted nothing more than to prove that i could make educational success part of my life again. i had to find a life to fit it all in, of course.

somehow, the doors parted open for me, and i began to see light and hope. i began to smile and laugh and welcome love into my life. i started to give love in return. i started to believe, after all these years, that there was success waiting for me in the world. what i had learned is that no one was going to make my dreams come true for me. no one will work for me if i wont at least work for myself.

inspired, i took small steps forward, entering the college campus for the first time since the day i walked away in 2004. i took note of the information that i needed to help me get my life back. i weighed my options and looked for advice in an academic market that is different than it was just 7 years ago. i was different too, of course, so the changes were rather fitting. i applied for financial aid, writing a letter explaining why i disappeared almost two Bachelors degrees ago. i chose a new major and concentration and carefully studied the course guide as i highlighted the classes that i needed and wanted most. i was officially a student again...

on December 21st, 2011 i walked with my laptop bag over my shoulder toward my car, from the library. i had just taken my last final exam of the semester and i walked away confident in the work i had put in this past semester. i anticipate being named to the Dean's List, an achievement i have not felt the pride of for nearly a decade. i walk away with a smile on my lips, feeling like i had beaten the odds and been given a second chance, not just at life but at living.

i have a short break over the holidays before i return to school for spring semester. i dont feel the fear or the apprehension of making that walk to my class on campus anymore. i feel like i am living proof of what is possible in life if you just take control of making your own dreams come true.