"i have to be realistic..."

i am moving in a direction that feels right. it is better and healthy, they tell me. it is what i tell myself now too, and the miracle of it comes in believing in the process and being grateful for the progress. some days are dark, but sometimes so is life. i hold on to every dark day, every one, and dream about how much better the next day will be.

i look down at myself and shake my head up and down instead of side to side. i approve of the growth and the commitment and the love that has seeped into and out of my pores. i more than "approve" of it. i welcome it and i breathe it in and out. i love the light that shines on me now, i love its warmth, and i try not to give that joy over to cynicism and negativity.

perhaps, one day soon or not, life will show up in its suffocating way again. i will be cloaked in it and i will be pulled into the basement where my personal hell exists. i will pray for a leading hand back towards the sun and the smiles and the feeling of a warm palm on my back.

i have to be realistic, i have to acknowledge the possibility that i wont be well forever. i have to respect the strength of my condition, lying in wait in my brain. at the same time, while waiting i must also shine the spotlight on today, which is perfectly lit on its own.

by: Stephanie Picher