how can the course of my life be so different now? i know that redemption exists, and that it is not all that uncommon for someone to change their life from one direction to another; but i feel like instead of "changing my life", my life seems to have changed me. i don't know how that happened...
the path i was headed on was such a well-constructed roadway. i am convinced i was meant to stay on that track, but somehow, i veered and i escaped. but the most surprising change of it all is that i now have control over where my mind, soul, ambitions, fears, strengths and weaknesses travel.
i dont wake up and dread the day ahead anymore. i have the gift of friendship and loyalty that covers me like a suit of armor. i used to be such an easy target for my own arrows. guilt and shame and self-destruction. i walk now with my hands free of those weapons, and i flex my fingers feeling the freedom of letting them go.
my whole body releases a tension that has been present for years, and i slowly feel my breath slow as the relaxation of giving it all away rings true in my brain. nothing to worry about...
its not always such a relief, giving away the past and letting go of the dark, but it comes in moments, waves. its part of a process. sometimes, it is a religious experience, in the realization that im a bit lighter today than yesterday. other times, it is subtle. like a veil lifts and the light is a tiny bit brighter than it was a second before.
ill take it as i can get it... the moments of relief and the blessing of learning that i am not alone can be tiny or they can be massive. whatever their size, they have moved a mountain of darkness away.
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