do i have regrets? i sure friggin do. i couldn't begin to count them all. sometimes, i will think of something i did or said and suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to be sick or to clench my fists, my teeth, and every muscle i have control over in my body. the anxiety of my mistakes feels like a haunting, and it used to haunt me on a daily and nightly basis. it used to drag my body on a familiar path night after night. and despite the fact that those specters dont torment me like they used to, i still feel pangs of guilt and shame and grief that laugh at me like something evil, something deeper than i ever knew i could feel.
i still feel the darkness of life, from inside of me. i still feel the anxiety of loneliness from time to time, and i still feel the urges to draw blood from my clenched arm like a phlebotomist would. the difference today is that i have too many people that i care for, and who care for me. its a new and odd feeling, to be connected to so many and to have made so many unforgettable memories. relationships and laughter and experiences have become my medicine and the antidote to my anxiety, guilt, shame, and regret.
these last few years, i havent done much to feel bad for, and ive tried my best to do alot of good.
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