free association and a bit of randomness.

i dont take the time to just write in spite of myself often... i always think of topics and titles and never allow myself the simple luxury of the practice of writing. i never free my mind and allow it to travel at its own accord. i never pull the little pieces out of my brain and attempt to throw them onto a page without edits or second thoughts. i can never just let them be...

i WANT to just let them be...

to just let them go. your thoughts are worthy, you dont need to edit them. you can write about it all, you dont  need to pick and choose the perfect topic every time. sometimes you can just let your mind go, corrections be damned... im attempting to be honest at the expense of someones feelings. im trying to let someone down easily, but there really is no "easily", is there? ive been let down easily before. it sucks. its probably the worst way to be let down, but at least it leaves no doubt in the mind of the one let-down... i didnt mean to imply that there was anything between us, because there isnt and there wasnt and there wont be. when you try to contact me, message after desperate message, you do yourself more harm than good. you make me less likely to feign a response. i dont want to hurt you, but  i dont want the effort of pretending we could ever be something either...

dammit i miss the city. i am resentful of my time being taken from me by the darkness of others, but it is my own problem. the result of poor planning and bad choices. driving home as my head bobbed towards sleepiness, i thought of who and what i was travelling away from, and i had to hold back tears. just a few hours of reinforcing conversation and laughter was not enough, but it was worth it nonetheless... 

learning never ends...