Christmas Eve

i remember the anxiety i felt walking in the door of a relatives house on Christmas eve in years past. ive often been quite unsure of my place. i was familiar with feeling misunderstood at least, and judged at worst. i recall looking around at my family, my blood relatives, and realizing that i didnt know them at all. i would avoid eye contact because i knew that they didnt know me either.

the impression i gave was hardened and severe, i know. it still is to a certain degree. however, the truth is that it was nothing more than a defensive tactic used to keep others at a safe distance. i looked down or up or anywhere that kept my eyes from being caught by someone else's and i engaged in nothing more than banal, idle chit chat... these are the uncomfortable, uncertain restlessness i typically associated with family gatherings such as this...

...but this year... maybe im changing, maybe i am continuing to change into someone that connects with others rather than hides. today, i wear smiles that are genuine and feel a sense of pride that still feels foreign to me. i feel pride for myself, pride for my young nephew, and pride for my family. it is incredibly meaningful to feel as though i am a part of some kind of family unit, and i guess that is what i felt today. amongst my family, a welcome member of a cohesive foundation. i felt as though i was in the middle rather than on the fringes. i felt a segment of a sum total instead of an unwelcome guest.

i have to say, it is nice to not feel like the black sheep, the disappointment, the quiet angry soul in the background. each day i feel a deeper level of certainty in the direction i am headed in this life. holidays, commitments, conversations, and the love of friends and family convince me that there is a real possibility that i will make it through this life with a sense of accomplishment.

i am finding that i cant just "bah humbug" my way through this time of year, past these holidays. i continue to be surprised, pleasantly so, at the way traditions, both old and new, have turned this time of year into one that doesnt sting.