character

young  people are dying. young men and women are killing themselves, feeling that they are left with no choice. young, GAY men and women made to believe that they are disgusting, immoral, sinful "abominations". i hate that word...

they are called names like "dyke", "faggot", "freak", and "queer". they are alienated, excluded, tormented, and abused. they are MURDERED.

i have been in those shoes, and worn them in some very dark places. i am in those shoes, just a decade later. i thought myself to be an oddity. a loser hiding in the closet, masculine, a dyke. all the epithets spit my way are hard to rummage through and discard. after all those roadblocks, however, I've gained, somehow, the strength to say "IT'S NOT OK". People are dying with their voices stifled, however.

collectively, we must find a way to help, to educate, to save lives. it is a code blue situation, and we've already lost far too many victims. one is too many. we cannot say that we have "done everything we could" like TV doctors always say. we have barely begun, and we must do more. I must do more.

how i feel and what i believe and how certain i am in my sexuality are irrelevant factors if i don't contribute something to the cause of keeping LGBT youth out of cemeteries. i will not allow myself to become accustomed to the phrase "another gay funeral"...

i remember the bullying quite clearly, even though it has been a decade since i graduated high school. no matter how much time passes, however, i still cant shake the moments the shook me to my core with no one to turn to. i remember the laughs and the stares. "why do you dress like that, dyke?", "i would only go out with you if you looked like Kathy Ireland.", "...studly Steph", "do you like your horrible haircut?"...

i hid in a bathroom stall during lunch hour in high school, rather than be caught dead sitting alone. they say it builds character, but if hiding and living in fear are prerequisites for character building, i would rather skip it. as far as "character" goes, I've built a lot of it hiding in fear in bathroom stalls.

I've always been different, and i knew it. i felt it more often than i didn't, pretty much always from kindergarten to high school graduation. i was always on the fringes, but i guess you could say that I've found that i fit best in those fringe situations. today, i embrace what is different about me more than ever, and if i must be categorized, put me under "miscellaneous".

but the important thing, the issue at hand is the kids who are not comfortable or accepted. the kids who are dying and those who desperately want to is what is important. i don't know what i can do, as just one person, and i don't know how i can help other than putting my story out there, leaving myself open as a shoulder to lean on. i don't know how to save the lives of the many young people who are contemplating ending their life tonight, but i will certainly, always try my best.