gratitude 2011

2011 was a year of deliverance for me. it was a year of change and risk and reward, one of opportunity, commitment, investment, and honesty. in 2011, i laughed and cried, ran and rioted in the streets with friends, old, new, and newer. i led and protected, wore my heart on my sleeve and learned the concepts of integrity and dignity. i have had the experiences of a million lifetimes and have stories to tell to my great-grandchildren, should i be so privileged. i know the feeling of a dream coming true before my eyes and have been honored with the chance to say "thank you", and to know true gratitude...

a year ago today, December 31, 2010, i wrote the following. my own guarded hopefulness is like a prophecy:

"the final eve of another ending year. i dont mourn the loss of it and i dont think i will miss much of it. it wasnt the worst of times, as i hope those days are done and gone, though their stamp is permanently etched onto my life, like scars. 2010 has its share of new scars, but i would like to think that the darkness of this year has helped to prepare me for approaching opportunities. i know that i must grab hold of each passing moment, and that nothing is going to stop for me to get my shit together long enough to make something amazing happen. i have to do it for myself and to never let go... i dream every singly day about what my life could be, but it is all blank until i wake up from that dream. ive got to make it happen for myself, on my own, and i absolutely can't wait to make it real."

...i havent read those words in a year, and i shake my head at how lucky i am that they came true. i can only make sense of it by believing that i just became too tired of that reality to continue to live it on a daily, hourly, moment by moment basis. as Anais Nin wrote "The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ...i couldnt come up with a better analogy for the miracle of this past year. i cant describe the freedom and release of allowing love and faith and beauty into my life. i cant describe the pain of years of resistance and the relief of venturing into new and beautiful wonders... all over the course of three hundred and sixty-five days, give or take. it seems minimal, tiny, infinitesimal, and the beginning, i am sure, of a continuing journey, should i be so fortunate.

i made more friends than i can count this year, and strengthened relationships with others i had been to weak to not neglect. i could not be more grateful for the amazing, wonderful, varying types of people who have taken a chance on investing in me. i will do my best, in future years, to never let you down. if you are reading this, i am likely talking to you. please take it to heart when i say to you "thank you".