comfort zones

days have gone by without the opportunity or motivation to write and document. on a rare occasion, i am actually too busy or preoccupied to find the time, always pushing the task away until later, later, later... now that things have settled a bit and life has given me a brief moment of reprieve, i can sit back and try to recall people, places, and things as well and with as much truth as possible...

the storm clouds have parted, but i still find myself to be a bit of a recluse. a homebody, typically staying as close as possible to the safety and warmth of my bedroom. having to step outside of that safe zone is frustrating at times but not nearly as anxiety provoking as it once was. the boundaries have been pushed outward. i dont avoid outings or trips like i used to. quite the contrary. i have done more interesting things outdoors than most people i know.

i learned, thankfully, that avoidance holds consequences bigger than just missing out an exciting trip or unique event. standing still, in fear, is what kept me perpetually alone, depressed, and feeling ashamed. i would weigh my options, trying desperately to be objective and to consider the possibility that i might actually enjoy myself as a result of a leap of faith. i tried so hard and for so long to push past the fear and anxiety that keep me locked within that "comfort zone". it is, in actuality, a dungeon.

i stayed hidden a lot, showing up sporadically and with varying degrees of energy, like a ghost. i dont always make the final, healthy push past the finish line, but sometimes, however, i am able to weigh out the pros and the cons and make the decision the would be considered the "healthier" one.

the thing is, i couldnt continue to lose myself in regret. when i push myself, i find myself not alone and surrounded my love. i find myself laughing and perhaps even enjoying myself. being part of something is worth losing the safety of being a part of nothing.