Solitude 11/19/07

Solitude: written 11/19/2007
by: Stephanie Picher

i like laughing. i enjoy the healed feeling i get from being moved to roaring amusement. laughter seems to help me to forget the darkness which seems to bookend my moods. i am reminded, again, by the simple act of expressing joy, that i am not as alone as i often feel. i also realize that i am not as cold as i sometimes believe. i am capable, even though i so frequently forget, of relating to other people, of being a part of something, of being included. more than all of that, i am also capable of enjoying the most mundane moments of my life, so long as i choose to.

what are the common denominators of depression for me?
-loneliness
-isolation
-grief
-sadness
-guilt
-shame
-self-pity
...depression is a result of the time i spend ruminating in solitude about these problems and situations. the key word is solitude. i have created, and am living a self fulfilling prophecy

i like being alone.

when i am alone i become depressed.

when i am around others, my depression subsides.

...the problem is, i choose to be alone. my choices confuse me. the nature of things is complicated. i'll surely become depressed again trying to work it all out...