"put down the poison and the dagger and make your own happy ending"
i didn't invite you here- i didn't call you. i had grieved the loss of you and your friendship, and just when those flowers begin to wilt, you pop up again, and you have brought your basket of grudges and accusations along with you. please don't be mistaken, i don't ever want to cheapen the bloody awful scars i left or lessen the significance of how i hurt you. the problem is, however, that i have grieved you, all the while progressing in amazing and unexpected ways. i have felt the guilt of you on many different levels and i know it is unhealthy to continue to beat myself up over events of the past. you made the choice to pick up the phone and call me, you made the choice to come by and to bring up things i was not prepared to talk about. the only thing is, i have choices too, and i can choose whether or not to allow the negativity of my previous bad choices to re-enter my life.
in a perfect world, i choose love and mutual respect for the both of us, but i know we arent there yet, at least not together. the water under the bridge is still too high and deep and violent, and crossing isnt safe. we cant just cross and expect not to hurt, but i can choose to avoid crossing altogether, even if it means burning the bridge into the rapid water below. i wont let you pull me below the water line with you.
god dammit! i had mourned you and you decided to show up wanting to talk about what keeps me awake at night? i don't think so. i don't want it, i don't even miss it. i may have needed you in the beginning when you first let me know how horrible you thought i was. i listened to you then, i believed it and i bled for it. maybe we cant be friends anymore, i don't know. i do know that if your plan is to make me feel guilty over what a shitty friend i have been and continue to be, then i just may have to decline your company.
i have to save my life, and i just cant do that with extra servings of shame. not today.
No comments:
Post a Comment