i love how stage lights paint the hair and skin of performers, red and blue...
a sense of urgency has erupted inside of me and it appears to be giving me a new sense of motivation. i hope i dont turn my back on that gift. it is mine to take or leave, but i know how good i am at leaving things. where i am in my life now, stubborn and lazy and complacent is not where i believe i'm "supposed" to be RIGHT HERE AND NOW... "living on borrowed time" is the reality for all of us, and my life has somehow turned into something i dont have pride in. excuses are seconds lost, and i seem to make alot of excuses these days. i only want to live if my life is satisfying, worth living. i know that it seems clear to me that i am largely UNsatisfied as i drag my feet through it all.. i need to make a change and walk towards pride, however far away it seems. i wont set a date, because i know myself. it would be a set up for procrastination and disappointment. all i REALLY know is that i need to get up and i need to straighten up and start forging a path towards a future that is satisfying, something that i can take pride in... the shame and guilt, and the pain and hurt have swallowed up the reality of what it is to feel "good". it has swallowed up any semblence of pride or caring or confidence. i want those things back, whether i ever really felt them or not. i believe that it is mine for the taking if i can finally just stop fucking it up.
written 12/17/09
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